Things I’ve Learnt (Part 1)
Whenever anybody spoke about renovating a house, and indeed when I pictured what my life here would look like, I had these visions of artfully painting the odd wall here or there, learning to plaster overnight and quickly whipping the place into shape. Casually talking about my myriad successes when guests came, throwing into conversation, “Oh, THAT wall? Yes, of course I put it up. No, it wasn’t easy, I had to spend a whole hour learning how to do it.”
Needless to say, that didn’t happen. So, for those of you considering a project like this, here’s what I’ve learnt:
1. You will ALWAYS find 8,00000 things more wrong with the place than any survey could show up.
2. You’ll hate it. Some days you’ll wake up, brush the concrete dust out of your hair, wash in a bucket and cry because you hate the house and you hate the work and you can’t think what possessed you to do such a thing.
3. Nothing is easy. Even the simplest of things (putting up a shelf) takes on a whole new level of difficultly when, for example, the walls aren’t straight. And the floor isn’t straight. And the ceiling isn’t straight.
4. You can’t assume anything. I assumed that because all the sinks in the house had hot taps, I could get hot water. Turned out that the entire downstairs apartment didn’t have hot water plumbed into it.
5. Try to carve out the tiniest of spaces that you’re comfortable in. I have an amazing round blue sofa (getting that in the house is a WHOLE other story) that Not-My-Cat loves to fall asleep on the days we’re friends. It’s my one safe haven in a sea of madness.
6. Find good local people and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Everything is so different in a place you don’t know, and local people will end up being lifesavers.
7. You’re probably going to be embarrassed about inviting anybody round ever because you see their faces fall as they survey your hovel before they catch themselves and realise they’re supposed to be looking for the potential.
8. Celebrate the small things. If it’s a victory, it’s a victory, even if nobody else understands why you’re so proud you put up a shower curtain.
9. Make a budget for the worst-case amount you’ll spend. Times it by 10. Add another 50% and that’s roughly how much you’ll need.
10. Seriously, find a hobby that doesn’t involve you being in the house. You’re gonna want to get the hell out of there a LOT.
11. Check the roof. (Sorry if you’re reading this, Dad, who I promised I’d done all my due diligence to....) Don’t do what I did and just assume a roof is fine without looking or asking anybody. Rookie error. And a highly expensive one at that.
12. Remember that the journey is all part of it. I know that’s SUCH a cliche, but every time I get frustrated that I’m still washing my dishes in the bathroom sink, I take a minute to revel in everything that I have managed to do and feel proud. (Swiftly followed by annoyed that I haven’t learnt to plumb yet, but it’s a process.)
13. Remember that if you tell the courier it’s fine to meet them in the local café to get your parcel because they don’t want to have to walk up the steps, they’ll expect you to do that every time.
14. Same with the post office – if you agree to collect a letter once, they’ll never risk the journey up again.
15. In an ideal world, find a cat that isn’t yours. So many of my days have been made so much better by Not-My-Cat turning up, peeing in the flowerbed, hiding dead lizards around the house and just occasionally coming for a cuddle.
16. If you move to a small village, accept that you’re going to find out a whole host of interesting facts about yourself you never knew before. Did you know Rose and I have been married for years? Nope, neither did I. Did you know she works at a hotel here? Nope, neither did I. Did you know I’m cheating on her with the father AND son who own the dive centre here? I honestly thought I’d have known if I was doing that but hey, who am I to argue with the village grapevine?!
17. Don’t buy stupid decorative crap early on. Yes, you’ll have visions of how beautiful it’ll be in that room you’ve planned out in your mind, but 7 months in when you’ve only just painted a wall that decorative crap will be mocking you from whatever suitcase you’ve stuffed it in.
18. Research EVERYTHING. Is it a problem that access to the house next door is only possible through my kitchen? At the moment, no, because nobody’s living there. What happens when they move back in? ‘Look up property law’ is next on my endless to-do list of house stuff. And yes. I should’ve checked this before I bought the place, but hindsight is a marvellous thing.
19. Just because your entire life is now consumed with a project that’s bigger than anything you’ve done before, doesn’t mean nothing else is going to go wrong in your life. Fall down a step and give yourself a black eye, which you need to deal with while looking after a foster dog while also with a house full of builders? Check. Find out that you have to pay thousands for dental surgery just after the roof breaks? Check. Come home after dental surgery, looking like a potato, and find out your bathroom door is riddled with woodworm so the builders need to come round immediately to remove it? Check. Spend a morning with the builders attempting not to laugh at your swollen, distorted face while you elegantly spit blood into a door-less-bathroom sink? Check. Life’s rich tapestry, hey?
20. There is NOTHING more satisfying that getting a room done, getting it finished, absolutely loving it and being able to look back at how it was and say, “Huh. I made all this happen.” It’s pretty indescribable. And worth every second of heartache.
I’m sure this list will be added to as time goes on, and I’m sure one day I’ll look back on all these many mistakes and laugh. Or cower in embarrassment at all the ridiculous things I thought were going to be possible which are actually vastly out of the realms of probability. But hey, every day’s a school day, right?
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